Autobiography

I'm going to write an autobiography. Zippy inspired me. This is all I have written so far:

Somehow, when I was little, I had the ability to draw in boys pretty well. Probably because I was more like a boy than anything else. I was confident, too. I had barely any hair on my head, a gap between my front teeth that my older brother Scotty liked to call “the Grand Canyon”, and to make it even WORSE, a missing tooth right next to my top right front tooth. I was born without a tooth there—it never grew in. Those things seemed to not phase me much. Because I was cool. The hair that I did have on my head was white blonde and always in a ponytail, and I had brown skin and I was athletic. I could beat all the boys in the mile run during P.E. and kick the ball the farthest out of all the girls in kickball. In fact, when teams were chosen for kickball, I was usually one of the first chosen. And I apparently was good at tetherball. One day in fourth grade, a girl named Deah came up to me and asked if I wanted to play tetherball. I didn’t really ever play tetherball, but I agreed anyway. Deah was the tetherball queen. But then I beat her, and her reaction to her defeat was, “Your name should be Audrey Bitchell.” Looking back as an adult I think I would have stood there with a straight face and blinked a couple of times. But I am sure having been raised in a home where cussing is bad (I still think that swearing makes a person sound uneducated) would have caused me to feel shocked that a fourth grader just said the “B” word. Anyway, as previously stated, the boys loved me. Who knew that a boy could score a girlfriend that was just like him? It worked out perfectly. And I somehow discovered at an early age that you can win a boy’s heart with mere food, especially candy. Most likely because my heart could be won the same way. One day in fifth grade I saw my boyfriend Jordan talking to a new girl under a tree ALONE during recess. She wore make up. I couldn’t believe it! She was practically a woman! That night I looked in the mirror and thought that I would look that good too if I wore makeup. (Who was I kidding? I could stick the neck of a toothbrush in “the Grand Canyon” and my body was frequently covered in bruises.) Well I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup so I did the next best thing to win Jordan back. The next morning before he came into class I put a note that probably stroked his ego and taped starbursts all over it. He was sold.