Flames--on the side of my face, heathing, br...breathing

Ok so the title of this blog comes from a line found in the movie Clue. But that is how I feel right now--like flames are coming out of me--like I want to chuck my phone at the wall or go and smash bottles on the ground or just go and break everything that is breakable. Don't worry, I'm not a lunatic. These feelings are fleeting...I think.

Well first of all, I just want to say that I am glad that I have a grand total of what...6 people who actually read my blog? You know why? Because I can be real. I don't try and pretend that my life is some stupid fairytail and I don't have the goal of having 100+ comments on my posts. I don't need that and I don't want that. I want to be real with the people that I trust enough to read my blog.

Anyway, back to what I was saying before. For the past 2+ weeks now I've been having a hard time about some things. I feel as if I am being tortured at times. I was talking to my mom on the phone about this, feeling very sorry for myself and you know what she told me? "Audrey, you need to find people to serve."

I tell you, that is THE FREAKING LAST THING I WANT TO HEAR. I don't want to go and serve anyone. Why doesn't someone serve me? These were my literal thoughts when she said that. It made me want to chuck my phone as far as I could. And then she said, "You just need to be patient." Oooh and that is when the flames on the side of my face came. Steam was coming out of every pore on my body. What do you think I have been doing for the past 3 months?

It is hard for me to be patient for a specific reason. All growing up I had never been around someone outside of my family that I felt like I could be myself with. And consequently I lacked friends because I felt like I couldn't show myself to people. And all growing up my parents told me (very lovingly and full of hope) to "be patient"-- that I would find someone soon. They told me that for YEARS and years.

That's why I want to curse the world when someone tells me to be patient. Because I think, "For how long? Ten years?"

I don't think so.

But as I sit here and write this, my mom's words are being echoed in my head because I know she is right. She also said that Christ was persecuted and spit on and cursed and eventually crucified. But regardless, what was he doing the entire time? Serving. He never stopped. And he had patience with everyone.

So yes, serving someone may be the last thing I want to do right now, but I need to do it anyway. And I need to keep being patient (not about the whole friend thing--I have come to terms with the fact that I don't really need a best friend outside of my family. My family fulfills that for me, and so will my husband when I get married). Telling myself to be patient is enough pain in itself, but once again, my mom is right. Patience shows faith, and apparently I have none right now.

So--I promise--I will work on that.